The last week has meant phasing back into work. My darling daycare lady's father's passed away and we ended up in a childcare pinch. I was able to find a girl to play with the boys every morning so I could get in a start up my classroom. Paper on the walls, start up activities printed out...
Most years the start up is haunted by nightmares. You know the kind, you're trying to get everyone's attention and get everything done, but look down to discover you're naked. Or a room full of 13 year olds all riot while I stand screaming in the centre of the room. Or 30 thirteen year-olds all sit nicely and stare at me while I panic to realize that I have nothing prepared. You name the anxiety dream....I've had it.
This year, there have been no work dreams. In fact, I feel like I haven't even put any thought into work. It's been mechanical and basic. I'm just not there mentally. It's hard to prepare for a classroom when I'm teaching for 8 days then gone for 30. I know that we planned for this time and chose the middle of September so that Dad could get his business in order and I could get my classroom started. I'm hoping to get my routines established and kids settled in the first week and a half, but hard to know what's going to happen. Who will replace me? Will they use the routines and procedures that I laid out? Will the kids miss me? Will my class torture the sub?
And more importantly, how will my actual children do without me? I mean the 4 and 5 year old boys that I'm leaving at home for my week in Vancouver. Luckily my in-laws are coming to take care of them, but what if Ian doesn't go to sleep on time, or doesn't do his homework? What if Tommy refuses to eat or sits on the dog?
It seems to stupid to worry about these things. So foolish to beat myself up with "what-ifs" and "then whats"... shouldn't I be worried about the surgery itself or my recovery? Or is this projecting my anxiety?
HC
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